3pm’s football funnies: Heard the one about the soldier who took out Michael Owen on Twitter?
Michael Owen continues to dominate Twitter in the same way Tory Maria Hutchings dominated the Eastleigh by-election.
On Sunday he told a punter who joked about Owen’s time on the bench: “I shook the world in my day. What have you done in life?”
Came the swift reply: “In answer to what I have done, served and protected your country in the army. Six years of physical work without injury.” Touche.
Happily, Michael was on safer ground soon after, when another user asked: “What is your favourite soup ?? Mine is Minestrone.”
Owen replied: “Great question!!! Pea and Ham!”
PS: Second-best football Tweet of the weekend? Nicklas Bendtner informing the world: “i was booked for a mild case of drinkdriving last night it was a quite nite but i am very sorry to all my friends and fans”.
If this is modern football, please kill me now
A Chelsea's fan holds a message in support of Frank Lampard
His Inter Milan trial may have ended in disappointment after just one day, but things are looking up for John Carew.
The former Villa and West Ham striker has had the French tattoo on his neck slightly adjusted. So, when translated, it now means what he originally intended – “My Life, My Rules”. And not, as it previously read, “My Life, My Menstrual Periods”.
The not-so-Special One
As we prepare for a seismic week of European football, worth noting that one of the continent’s biggest reality shows right now is set at La Jonquera, Spain’s version of the huge Chicken Ranch brothel.
Viewers are particularly enjoying the swaggering, publicity-hungry manager, who stuffs his team of 130 hookers with expensive foreign talent. His name? José Moureno.
Sent to Coventry
Despite Bobby Gould spending his inaugural Coventry Telegraph column writing about his wife’s lemon drizzle cake, readers would have turned to the latest epistle from the former Sky Blues player and manager expecting hard-hitting views on a club threatened with insolvency, under a transfer embargo and still without a gaffer.
Gould’s intro? “I can well remember the Spring of 1961 at Caludon Castle school when I was informed by Mr Titt, my Howard House master, that I was required to see the careers officer that afternoon in the common room…”
This week's Football Gaffes
"He's exacerbated the situation by making it worse" - STEVE CLARIDGE
"That's how you handle Gareth Bale – there’s three of them and they've got right up him" - STEVE CLARIDGE
“It’s been a damp squid between Rafa and the fans” – IAN ABRAHAMS
“Brentford went into the top six by beating Crawley, with both sides sent off” – IAN ABRAHAMS
"Plymouth have doubled their lead. It’s 2-1 now” – GABBY LOGAN
"We’ll not give up even if we’re 12 points behind with one game left” – JOE HART
Heard a gaffe? Tweet to #FootballGaffes or email email@example.com
A Bridge too far
The greatest exchange in the history of Talksport came during Saturday’s commentary from Stamford Bridge, after Chelsea put the ball in the net from a free kick but referee Kevin Friend called play back as he was still lecturing the offender…
Ian Abrahams: "We all paid today to watch goals, not the ref".
Adrian Durham: "Did you pay?"
Abrahams: "Well, no. But don't be obstropolous."
And talking of Talksport, the least surprising intro of the week came in Tracey McLeod’s restaurant review for the Independent On Sunday.
She wrote: “It's been a long time since there was much of a buzz about Langan's Brasserie. The archetypal trendy London restaurant of the 1970s has rather fallen out of fashion in this century. The only person I can think of who still goes regularly is my brother, who once had his tie cut off there by Alan Brazil.”
Sign of the times
The Rafa Benitez Suite
Is this the ultimate sign of the times? The Premier Inn next to Stamford Bridge has now removed the plaque which dubbed one of its rooms ‘The Rafa Benitez Suite – Perfect For Short Stays’.
However, wags are now calling the hotel The Premier Innterim…
This week's Wicked Whistle
Which striker definitely did not go on the booze during his team’s recent warm-weather training in Dubai? Instead, he occupied himself with his constant companions – two brunettes and a blonde.
Your football dream
We’re collecting your weird dreams about footballers – if you’ve had one, Tweet to #FootballDreams or email firstname.lastname@example.org
From @jamesw1987: “Dreamed Nani let me a Bentley but when I opened the boot it was full of tuna.”
From @Philinzaghi64: “ Dimitar Berbatov went into labour in my front garden. I helped out but he went mental when I brought him some Liverpool towels.”
From @ABronsSmith: “Dreamed I was stealing cars like Gone In Sixty Seconds but my partner in crime was Nikola Zigic.”
From @TazzzD: “Couldn’t get round the M25 cos Pienaar, Fellaini and Osman were mopping the road.”
From @WeeDoyler “In the build up to my real-life wedding, I dreamt that I was walking down the aisle with Tony Cascarino.”
From @TheTonyBoden: “Dreamed I went for KFC with Øyvind Leonhardsen and Patrick Berger and their wives. I'm not even a Liverpool fan.”
The Little and Large revival starts here
TV insiders are desperate to see what the publicity photos will look like if the lovely Georgie Thompson quits Sky Sports for BT Vision.
Thompson has asked not to be part of Sky’s F1 coverage this season amid speculation that she will join the new Premier League broadcaster in August.
At BT, she would be teamed with Jake Humphrey, making for an interesting contrast. He is 6-foot-4 while wee Georgie is listed, very generously, at 5-foot-1.
Getting in tune with Becks
No doubt David Beckham squirmed a little bit when Paris St Germain welcomed him onto the pitch for his debut by playing The Beatles’ Hey Jude.
As a lifelong Manchester United fan who spent 12 years at Old Trafford, Goldenballs will be keenly aware that along with Blue Moon, the song is an anthem for fans from Manchester City, who have been chanting their version since 1968.
Filed under: Euro 2012
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